The One Where I Become Gozer the Destroyer

I am the destructor, the destroyer of worlds.  I bend nature to my every whim and control the lives of the lesser with fury and vengeance.

I posted a picture of a bird nest the other day.  Two little sparrows were building a home in the light fixture above our back steps.  They could do this because last winter the cold air resulted in two of the four pains of glass shattering.  They were a happy little bird family, just starting their new lives together and building a home for themselves, and maybe down the line they would hear the pitter patter of little bird feet.

Then came the destructor.

Last night Jen was home.  She had the outside light on for a while, as we usually do when not everyone is home.  It’s hard to see to unlock the door from the outside if the light is off, so we often just leave it on.  Unfortunately yesterday she happened to catch sight of a little piece of the bird nest as it started to smolder.  Well, that’s not good!  She turned off the light and left it off.  Good move, lovey!

Our house has two front doors.  One is to the side of the house, near the garage, and right at the top of the driveway.  That’s the one we use.  That’s also the one with the nest.  I call it the back door, but it is in no way anywhere even closely related to the back.  The other is right smack in the middle of the front of the house and bisects the living room and the dining room.  We do not use that door.  In fact, the desk where I am sitting at this very moment is next to that door, and I have it blocked with a little tray table that I use as an extension of said desk.

Both doors have the same light fixture.  This morning, a footstool, flat head screwdriver, and I all went outside to force our evil will upon nature.  I knocked on the light a few times to wake up any unsuspecting sparrows.  No one was home.  I then removed the light fixture.

I gotta admit, I was nervous.  I know it’s only been a couple of days, but I was afraid there would be eggs in the nest.  Even a bringer of destruction and doom like me would feel bad about killing babies.  Fortunately, the nest was empty.  Truthfully, it’s probably been empty since it almost caught on fire.  Birds are smarter than people in some (all) ways, right?

Next, I swapped the side door light fixture with the front door light fixture.  We can now use the light over the door we actually use, and the birds can use the light over the door we never use, which implies that we never use the light either.  If the birds can find the thing, of course.  I know they can fly down South for the winter, but I don’t know if they can navigate the 15 yards from one door to the next.

So there you have it, folks.  I am like Gozer from Ghostbusters.  I am the destroyer.  I bent the natural world to suit my own selfish needs (and by selfish needs I mean, please don’t burn down our house, you stupid birds).

I hope they find the new location and rebuild the nest.  I was hoping for baby birds this year.

Was that a bird chirping right outside the door I just heard?


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